Originally Posted by
schnappi99 
A sign of growth is that the anger arises and then fades and the mind doesn't build a storyline that turns it into a firestorm. It doesn't make the anger any less painful, but it does shorten the experience.
schnappi,
I feel I’ve reached this point. What was a 4 alarm blaze almost on the daily has given way to more understanding that change must happen for me and the kids. Now. Trying to come up with a plan for the kids and I that also doesn’t put her in a situation that is dangerous. I know she is a grown woman, but she is in a very precarious place mentally that I cannot disregard. I have PTSD, which the effects of her stint in and after rehab blew up my symptoms. Fury is an understatement. I just completed a series of ketamine infusion therapies over the last 2 weeks and I am shocked at how different I am reacting to everything. I’m in a better place. Still anxious and worried, but trying to think logically not dreadfully.
Originally Posted by
endofmyrope65 People treat you the way you let them.
As many have said it's up to you to change that.
I understand - i am married 36 years to wife who has become a functioning alcoholic. Bruises on her arms from falling down drunk and people look at me with daggers like I am the devil himself. "I didn't do that" I scream in my mind... My mind... slowly was losing it till I got it.
Maybe from Al-Anon... maybe from just time and experience, I have found some sort of peace accepting that I cant change or help her. I stopped feeling ... anything about it. If she becomes hostile or abusive, I say "stop it" forcefully and if she doesn't stop, I leave. And FEEL ok.
I have contemplated divorce seriously, not afraid of it anymore, and that seemed to take care of my co-dependance issues.
I am sorry to say that it sounds like your choice to remain on this merry-go-round or get off approaching. The woman you knew from long ago is long gone. She has been replaced by who you see now. If she doesn't change herself and you stay, your like will be filled with drunk episodes....
...Good luck. Hit the gym. Lift heavy and work out your emotional pain through physical exertion. Buy some new clothes, get a haircut, join a martial arts class and go out with friends. The only thing we can't get back is time... and the clock is ticking.
Life is best experienced happily.
Hi Endofmyrope,
Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yes people treat you how you allow them. I have been gaslighted for years with the alcohol which has a way of destabilizing you. I doubted myself and what I knew, in deep denial because of the person she WAS. That person is gone, completely. Something happened to her in rehab, no idea what but holy crap. Kind, gentle even when drunk before and she came out of rehab a violent swinging drunk and manipulative when not.
At this moment I don’t give a damn what she did, I probably will again in the future, but right now I’m dealing with the effects of a relapse. She’s lying to her therapists about almost everything, drinking while on an ssri and vivitrol and she’s on probation for the DUI. Even the dangers of drinking on these drugs and the prospect of jail isn’t stopping her. There is a dual diagnosis here they are trying to figure out and she is in danger. Serious danger. I’m getting off the merry go round, how to do that without placing her in peril is my responsibility as a human being.
Doing most of what you suggested already, had to take a break due to recent treatment, but on that path.
Originally Posted by
hopeful4 Beach....I get that red hot anger. Do I ever. I lived in that state of mind for a long time, until I finally realized that the stress and anger were changing me into someone I did not want to be. It damaged my children, and myself.
It sounds like outside of this you are doing some great things to take care of yourself and your children. Bravo for that. Continue to take good care of you. You will eventually realize that the why does not matter, that it only really matters to look at current actions and react accordingly. You cannot control the why, or her actions.
It's very healthy to vent, and I am glad you are doing that, and educating yourself. All great stuff.
Big hugs to you.
Hi Hopeful,
Yes anger manifests itself across all relationships, including the one with yourself.
From the beginning of this post I have categorized addicts as terrible people based off my experience and interactions with them. It has been a terrible experience with them, but there are good, hell great, people in recovery it just seems a pipe dream right now for her. She is damaged beyond recognition.
I know I can’t control her, but she apparently can’t control herself, and the professionals she is working with need to recognize the extent of her mental deterioration and the danger she is to herself. This situation is scary, I don’t want her to die.