I let a lot of that out here without even realizing it. They are honest raw emotions and thoughts that reflect what I don’t and can’t say generally, but I’m certain people are offended, not sure I care, because this crap sucks.
Many here come from different experiences. Although addiction is addiction, it has variations as varied as we humans are!
Doesn't matter if people get offended or not, I'm sure that's not your intention.
My reaction to the sight and interacting with her is a huge problem, and one I’m not sure can be resolved. Dandelion is right, I keep asking why. Why why why. Like a broken record or a 4 year old. It’s the wrong question. Now what, seems more fitting.
I'm glad you are picking up the books dandylion suggested, getting the information is a really solid way of helping to put your thoughts to rest (or to action). For me personally, I need to know those answers and getting them helps me to relax in to it and say ok - that's why. Now that may help zero in changing anything outside of myself, but it centers me.
I hope in reading those you find some peace in your thoughts.
While nothing needs to change this second (the house isn't actually on fire). It's really unfortunate that your day to day is so stressful for you. The more you focus on yourself and the children, the more it will, hopefully, help.