Originally Posted by
SmallButMighty 
Dear Beachn, I'm not going to give you another dose of tough love here, I think you are getting enough of that, but I will say I agree with it...
However, what I wanted to say to you, with hot tears in my eyes, is that I understand your fury. To the very depths of my core, I know exactly how furious you are with the circumstances you find yourself, your wife, your marriage, your family and your finances in right now. I know it is strangling you inside your chest. I've been there, there were times I thought that feeling was going to kill me, almost wanted it to so the pain would stop.
I just wanted you to know I do understand and I am so sorry for the turmoil you find yourself in. It wont always feel like this. You are learning, and you will heal. The storm will calm and you will see things in a different light. Your anger is still protecting you from the pain, it is a normal part of the process. It took me longer than I wanted it to to get through this part.... time takes it's stupid @ss time.
Hang in there friend.
Thank you and I’m okay...more than hanging in there..closer to my children than ever, getting healthier everyday.
Have had tons of therapy the last 3.5 months, DBT training, started a new hobby, even gained some weight back. Joined a church and looking to volunteer. Bought myself a car that I love to replace the family truckster she killed. Had my crowns replaced, and taking up a new sport. Had to create a new business plan due to losing so much momentum and it’s starting to come together. Thank God.
Outside of this I’m actually pretty happy, believe it or not. But this thing, damn, it just sets me off in ways I never imagined. I get angry at her, the facility, addicts in general (which is not fair) and sometimes even God. Seriously, please cut me some slack here. Amen
It’s becoming obvious to me that I’ve changed more than I want to admit, in some ways more than my wife. Perhaps I’m seeing things for how they are, instead of how I believed they were or should be, and I don’t like it or what it portends for our children and it pisses me off.
I dunno, it’s funny though, I’m calm, happy, even excited for the day until she wakes up and I see her and remember everything. It only gets worse as the day progresses. Certain words, phrases, remind me of all she did in and out of rehab and they accumulate throughout the day like a series of flashbacks, which I’m sure they are, and it starts a chain reaction of memories in my brain and the tension builds. Forgiveness feels as impossible as rebuilding trust...
I let a lot of that out here without even realizing it. They are honest raw emotions and thoughts that reflect what I don’t and can’t say generally, but I’m certain people are offended, not sure I care, because this crap sucks.
My reaction to the sight and interacting with her is a huge problem, and one I’m not sure can be resolved. Dandelion is right, I keep asking why. Why why why. Like a broken record or a 4 year old. It’s the wrong question. Now what, seems more fitting.
Dandelion thanks for posting the books I will grab them shortly. Thank you.