I wrote quite a book, I don’t know why your post triggered my whole history with alcohol and sobriety, but, I just read my post again a couple of times, and to condense: I think I began to appreciate the knowing. The 24 hour a day knowing of myself.
One thing alcohol reliably did was remove me from myself. With that was always a fair dose of shame about who I was.
Removing alcohol from my life permanently, I’d say the best thing that’s happened is beginning to understand myself, and appreciate myself. Knowing myself.
My father recently died. We were so close, my father and I. my mom asked my brother and I to write something for the memorial. What I wrote was really a reflection of me. It was a little messy, very emotional, poetic, expressive, and filled with love and longing for my father. It was straight from my heart and so honest, just like he was.
One thing that struck me was that if I’d been drinking, that speech I wrote would have made me feel ashamed. I would have been unsure about the honesty in it or the quality of it because so many of my thoughts were driven by alcohol. So much of myself, my life, my motivations, my leisure, my interests were infected with alcohol addiction.
This speech, with all its tearful remembrance and intense emotion and real feeling was all me. I could look at it and say, “yeah that was emotional. But that’s me.” I know who I am now. It’s ok that I’m emotional. And fiery. And passionate and poetic and honest. Because I know for sure through my own expansive control group experiment Me Minus Alcohol, exactly who I am. And who I am is finally okay.