Originally Posted by
clarity888 
You all have inspired me to make such a list. I often second-guess myself and think things like "well, some alcoholics drink huge amounts daily and live to be 85, and their wives never left them". You mentioned a bottle of wine and a certain # of beers, saying maybe it's not a big deal (when you're doing the second guessing). I do that too--rationalize the amount I think AH drinks. Then I remember that so many ppl have told me the reality of how much and when he is consuming is much more than I probably know. And how I hate the lying about it. I remember I don't want to see how much worse this gets, or contribute to it. If nothing changes, nothing changes--I will change my part, which means distance to work on myself. It's hard, but you know what? It's okay with me to try to protect health (physical and emotional) and lives (me, AH, DS)...vs "saving a marriage"--which well meaning relatives bring up all the time. The emotional refrigerator Angelina spoke of is such a great term. It's a horrible place to be, no matter how perfect the house itself, community, etc. are. And I totally hear you on the prepping to "become beer drinking buddies"--I saw it with AH and his dad. Yuck.
Clarity, what you say about how some alcoholics drink a lot more and their wives don’t leave them - how I have struggled with this without really even recognizing it up front. I’ve known some people like this where there’s really heavy long-term drinking but it’s just not “a problem”. But from reading here and some ACOA stories I realize it does have an effect on the children. And for us partners, we (or at least I did this) just minimize, rationalize, “focus on the positive!!”, just plow through the logistics of life, find distractions (hobbies, books) from the real problem, and if you are financially secure then I think it’s even easier to stay. But the emotional refrigerator! Thank you Angelina for that concept! Oh how I relate to that! For me it has felt (I’m getting past this slowly) like our whole emotional world hinges on the mood of AH - we are either on an upswing (usually when he is getting about 3 beers into his six pack on a weekend evening), or at best a strained civility with lots of pleases and thank yous as long as no one steps out of line or gets too loud or rambunctious. So our fridge temp is either icy or defrosting but it seems to always go back to icy.
Anyway yeah, I’m at the point where even though I second- guess myself I am stepping out of this fridge to see what else is out there! :
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