To be honest Dee, deep down, I know I'm experimenting. 'Cause I know if I don't go low enough now, then future me will tell me I'm not an alcoholic.
Basically it's almost like I'm in the process of trying to prove to myself that I am one, so future me can't deny it. If that makes sense?
Having said that, I didn't realise the withdrawals would be so bad: I guess, because I was always in denial.
But I guess the core of it is trying to find out WHO I AM. Basically because WHO I HAVE BEEN for my whole adult life has been this guy who drinks (and who believes his whole social/love life depended upon that fact). And I'm finding that identity hard to let go.