You all have inspired me to make such a list. I often second-guess myself and think things like "well, some alcoholics drink huge amounts daily and live to be 85, and their wives never left them". You mentioned a bottle of wine and a certain # of beers, saying maybe it's not a big deal (when you're doing the second guessing). I do that too--rationalize the amount I think AH drinks. Then I remember that so many ppl have told me the reality of how much and when he is consuming is much more than I probably know. And how I hate the lying about it. I remember I don't want to see how much worse this gets, or contribute to it. If nothing changes, nothing changes--I will change my part, which means distance to work on myself. It's hard, but you know what? It's okay with me to try to protect health (physical and emotional) and lives (me, AH, DS)...vs "saving a marriage"--which well meaning relatives bring up all the time. The emotional refrigerator Angelina spoke of is such a great term. It's a horrible place to be, no matter how perfect the house itself, community, etc. are. And I totally hear you on the prepping to "become beer drinking buddies"--I saw it with AH and his dad. Yuck.