Originally Posted by
Katerina1072 
I have tried desperately not to take this personally, but I don't know how to do that. I KNOW I can't reason with an addict. I KNOW I am the enemy (to the addiction). It doesn't make it any easier, sadly.
I talked to him a little while ago, he called. Just to talk to me, not about our relationship or what he's doing, but about how his sister refuses to heat the trailer and how he can't sleep, blah blah. I pretty much (very calmly) told him that I know why he's not here, and with his sister. I know this wasn't "time away to think" and that it was only to get high. I know that he's not doing any time thinking about US or his future, and he admitted that he "can't" because of his anxiety because it gets him too depressed and agitated to think about what he's doing, so he has maybe given it a few minutes of thought a night as he wakes up alone on a cold floor. And I told him I know that I am a resource, and that once the money runs out (or he at least buys enough pills to last him another week) he will be begging to come back to me. I know he will "play nice" for a couple months, and that I know once his settlement comes in he will be right back out the door doing the same sh!t. He insists I am wrong about the money/settlement thing. I explained that I cannot and do not see it that way, especially with what he's doing now. I asked him when he's going to therapy, since he claims that's his plan. Of course he hasn't even looked up a therapist. He just kept repeating that he didn't want to "argue" and I gently explained there was no argument. No yelling, no fighting. Just talking. But again, I'm the enemy in his addicted mind (even though I still hear the words "I love you" 10 times a day) so he just kept trying to get me off the phone. This back and forth crap is making me lose my mind.
I just wish he'd stop claiming to care about me and calling to tell me I'm the love of his life, etc. I hate the mind games. I never know if it's a moment of clarity when he's speaking to me or what. And it's killing me.
I know it's hard not to take it personally because it is damn painful. Someone you love is making choices that hurts your heart and scares you and makes you angry.. those are some pretty personal feelings. But he isn't drugging at you. You are being affected by it, but he is so wrapped up in his addiction , even if he knows what he is causing you, he will keep doing it. This man fully admits to being a liar. He doesn't even hide the fact that he is manipulative and dishonest. Your brain knows these things... so you know that anything he says has the potential, and in this case, the likelihood of being pure bullcaca.
If you keep engaging with him you are going to keep feeling crazy. He's depending on it. He doesn't want you to change or become stronger...that threatens the status quo.
I know I've harped a lot about boundaries, and I'll try and make this the last time. I'll share with you what my first real boundary was with my AXH, " I will not engage with him when he has been drinking" For me that meant I would not argue, plead, scream, cry, joke, make small talk... it meant I would not interact with him at all if he was drunk. What was the point? When I had tried all those things a million times, he didn't change and I just got crazier. When I stopped engaging the tables turned... I became calm and removed from his chaos and it drove him nuts! He hated that I wouldn't get involved and when he'd keep pushing at me with different tactics, trying to get me to interact, I'd leave the premises. It was a life changer for me. That boundary gave me back my power... because I stopped allowing him to dictate how things would be.
I know this is hard Katerina, it sucks.