For a few weeks there, I felt so confident, so sure of my decision to leave. And I really have had a sense of peace that I haven't felt in, well, maybe ever. I have taken this feeling of calmness and peace about my decision to leave and my path ahead as a significant sign that it is a good decision. The kids and I had a great spring break trip together - peaceful, easy, just a really good time. It was nice to experience that time for the three of us without the stress of AH there. I also take this as a sign that being away from him long term will be a good path.
I have not felt ready to talk directly and openly with the boys about their dad's drinking. Also, right before AH left on a work trip a few days ago, he and I had the conversation that we are actually getting divorced, but not ready to tell the boys.
But over two weeks ago, the boys both, independently of each other, began to ask me about their dad's drinking and I felt that being honest was best. "Does dad drink too much?" "Yes, he does." Then my youngest began asking, "If dad drinks too much, will you stay together because it's not good to be with someone who drinks too much?"
I knew when he asked that I planned to divorce AH but had not at that time even brought in the term "divorce" to AH so I was vague with DS. But over the past couple of weeks, he has periodically asked the same question, "do you think it is more likely that you and dad will stay together or more likely for you guys to get divorced?" (DS was the first to use the term "divorce" in our conversations.) To me, this indicates that he is aware of quite a lot and it may be time to deliver the clear answer.
I had planned for AH and I to sit the boys down and tell them together, but last night he asked me again (just me and the boys home this week), and I just went ahead and told them. Younger son thinks it would be pretty cool to move to an apartment; older son was hit very hard with this news though not totally surprised. Then younger son takes on emotions and feelings of older son and.... long story a bit shorter, it was a rough evening.
I am once again back to a very unsettled feeling of "what the @#$# am I even doing?!!" Married 20 years, good house, good neighborhood! Settled!! And what's a six-pack and bottle of wine a few nights a week?!
But it is that. And it is sometimes more. And it is the emotional distance. And it is the way he is practically getting the boys ready to be his beer buddies when they get older. And he's mixing it with pain meds. And he just got stitches from getting into a "drunken bar fight".
In a past post, someone said something like " what's the point of hanging around to see how bad it can get? It will get worse." Okay, I just guess I needed to write all this out because I am feeling so off balance where in past days I had been feeling so sure.
I'm just going to spend some time with HP and breathe.
Thank you for listening.