Originally Posted by
trailmix 
You might want to read the part you wrote about eggshells over and over again. You aren't in a relationship with him, you are a hostage.
Perhaps don't think of it as ending a relationship, think of it as regaining your freedom.
I feel very much like a hostage. When he’s in punishment mode, I find myself wishing he’d drive off a cliff or something. (I know that’s sick.)
Trying to reframe ending the relationship as gaining my freedom is a really good suggestion. It’s going to take me a while to even envision freedom, I’ve been stuck so long.
I feel more clear just sharing this stuff and reading other people’s posts. It’s not healthy to be alone with codependency. It’s not easy. I sat and sobbed yesterday but at least I’m getting in touch with my feelings and the reality of what I’m doing to my life.