Sounds so familiar.
I went to outpatient rehab and wanted to drink every single day I attended, then finally quit rehab after 7 weeks and drank.
From 2008-2017 I quit for up to four months maybe 3-4 times, made it to two weeks a handful of times, did lots of 6-8 week quits.
Every damned time I wanted to drink still, I wanted to drink every day and I just waited until the day I knew I would actually crack one open again, and that’s what always happened.
In 2017 things got a lot worse for me and it was all related to drinking. I drank a lot more, I became more chaotic, I became mentally unstable, my blackouts worsened, my relationships were hanging on by a thread, I was terrified for my health and I honestly was starting to lose that final grip on who I was, deep down inside, because it was as if I had become the bottle itself. I didn’t know what was alcohol and what was me, were all these humiliating and scary things happening because of alcohol or because of my personality? Slowly losing my grip on reality and losing my sense of self, with each drink.
After a bad birthday weekend, Monday rolled around, at this point I just realized it had been two to three years of misery caused by alcohol. Abject misery. I knew in my heart that if I put it down, I could get myself back, and I would never again do or say something that I didn’t fully intend to do or say. With all my wits about me, I would always be at the helm of my own ship. The tide had turned.
I hated it now. I hated what it had done to me. I hated how it allowed people to pity me. I knew I was worth more than that. I hated how it allowed people to take advantage of me. I hated how it stole me from myself. I hated how it was taking me down, not little by little anymore, but in huge chunks, I was losing so much every day I drank. It was as if at that point, I just knew.
I had a wave of relief. At that point I took everything I’d learned about rational recovery to heart and I vowed I’d never let myself down again with that vile substance. I was done.
Every time I felt a single TWINGE from that moment until now, even just a slight restless feeling, or a slight feeling something was off, I shut it down hard.
I shut it down hard for a long, long time, like over a year. Then I let up my guard a little and realized that I felt comfortably sober, that I have no desire to drink, that even if I fully allowed myself to drink, I don’t want it. It just sounds awful. All of it. The taste, the effects, it’s effects on others, the whole thing. I’m completely over it. Even more than that? Sobriety became a beacon for me. It became the one thing that guides my life. Sobriety is the light the leads the way for me. I always say to everyone that I identify as a sober person, and that is the first thing that defines me. Without it: it’s not just my life that isn’t possible: without sobriety, I don’t exist.
My rehab stint was in 2016. Not too long ago. Never would have believed then, when I was hoodwinked by alcohol addiction (the ultimate mind trick) that I’d be standing here today, giddy from the fact that I’ve got nearly 19 months. I can’t tell you how incredible the blessing of being free from alcohol truly is. You’ll just have to experience that for yourself.