Hi nhwm,
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I just wanted to highlight this statement that jumped out at me:
Originally Posted by
nhwm 
That dishonesty of being controlling instead of open makes it unfair to think my wife wouldn't have ultimately made choices differently.
Controlling is a problem, yes, as many others have pointed out here. But it is not
dishonesty. Lying and cheating is dishonesty. More importantly, there is no way to guess how your wife would have behaved if you had behaved differently. It seems like you are almost blaming yourself for her actions - that doesn't sound good for either of you.
I hope you can find a way to peace and happiness.