Press, so glad to hear this. Even the tiniest bit of hopefulness can be enough to get us started- somehow I had to take the chance to live, having the same feelings as you do now....keep sharing here and IRL. You can do this.
PS - I know a lot of people who do something like keep their white chip in their pocket and have a habit of rubbing the edges or just knowing it's there. I keep my chips on the dresser and now in a little pouch - I've made a collage of my first year (my sponsor got me a special one in pink, since it's my fave color) with pics from that day. I love celebrating each mark! reminders are always good, of where we are and want to go.