You are exactly right, dwtbd! Separation was the key piece (peace ; ) I have been missing. I’ve been listening to The Small Book on my commute, and it always got me hyped to quite (in the morning). I would quite, but I seemed powerless under any AV attack.
A few days ago I started the RR book from the beginning instead of just thumbing through to my favorite quotes or sections.
The separation was the part I lost sight of. I remembered how easy it seemed back in 2012... what I failed to remember when trying to get sober with AVRT again is the separation.
I have only been sober a few days and have encountered minor AV thoughts with only one strong one. The only thing that makes me call it strong is that it took me longer than it should have to recongnize my AV in that incident, but once I did - it was gone. By “it” I mean my AV, my craving, my excitement to drink, my anxiety that I would - just gone upon recogniztion that it was my AV; it was not me.
I have this overwhelming sense of confidence right now in my sobriety. I keep thinking I should hear an AV echo effect because I failed so many times. I even ask it, “Hey AV, whatcha got, now that I am never going to drink again and will never change my mind?” Crickets.
I don’t know how to describe it. It’s as if I lost something very, very precious that I thought I’d never find again. But, I found it!!
I am never letting it go.
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