The replies are wiser, more straightforward and valuable to me than much of the time spent in therapy the last few weeks. Expressing my thoughts raw and getting the same back is priceless. Thank you.
I do harbor resentment, loathe the addicts I met at her rehab and interacted with after and they are right now people I wouldn’t let in my home. Relapses, deaths, cheating, lying, enabling, wolves in sheep’s clothing pretending to be “friends”, rescuing junkie white knights trying sleep with my wife. That is my experience with them. Is it all addicts? Don’t know. but it is all the addicts I’ve met. Which is too damn many and solidifies my opinion until I meet an honest addict. Perhaps I am in punishment mode at times, I’ve admitted as much, such is my reaction to having my life ripped apart by addiction, further damaged by rehab stint. Is it healthy to be this way? Absolutely not, and I am aware of this. Trying to radically accept s- - - sandwich is not easy, but it can be done I am working on it. I do love my wife or maybe who she was, doesn’t mean I cant hurt and hate the things she’s done and the choices she’s made that cost us a fortune, wasted time and screwed up our lives. It will take years to recover if ever. Again her rock bottom as of the last relapse is so low I won’t even describe it. You have no idea, how would I ever be able to explain that to our children? Right now she has a chance and I just need to get the hell out of the way and let her do it while I pick up where I was st when she was in rehab. Al-Anon, therapy, self care, kids and their well being. This isn’t some game, everything she holds dear can be gone in an instant. Married or not, I want her to want her life to be one she is proud of and can look our children in the eye without flinching. She deserves it, we all do, but first we have to earn it.