My coke problem was when I was in my mid twenties.
I kicked it, and it was hard. I didn’t quit drinking then, tho, even tho I was already drinking alcoholically, in retrospect. Kicking coke was one of the most difficult things I ever did. I removed myself from situations where I would be exposed to it and I had a scare at the same time. It would have been a more sound plan to have had a support mechanism but I didn’t go that route at age 26.
Back then I was working in the night scene. I won’t go any further than sharing that but use your imagination. Pulled up for my shift on MLK weekend and the dealer I was supposed to meet at work was already there in the parking lot, surrounded by cop cars. I’d been running late. It could have been me. I drove past, called work, told them I wasn’t able to come in because I was sick, and called out for the next two weeks. I was broke and sick from withdrawal and MEAN to everyone around me but I managed to kick coke.
Fast forward to my mid to late 30s. I’d already joined this site and was pretty clear I had an alcohol problem, but hadn’t committed to sobriety and really only came here when I had a really bad hangover and decided to stop, but wouldn’t come up with a plan, couldn’t (wouldn’t) commit to getting one, and always ultimately drank again. Anyway I was out with an acquaintance who I had no idea had a drug problem. He was encouraging me to drink more than I usually would when I wasn’t in the confines of my home, and I was pretty wasted but not wasted enough to not remember this vividly.
He scored some coke at the bar we were at but had to go to someone’s house to get it. We also had to go to an ATM for money. So we got the money, met up with the new “friends” and went to this drug dealer’s house. Then we went to the “friends” apartment and snorted coke all night long. I sank very low that night. I don’t even want to say what happened, but suffice to say my self respect was gone.
It wasn’t until the next day when a large part of me was wanting more coke quite desperately that I realized the scope of what happened. And sure enough the withdrawals were exactly the same as when I kicked the first time. This is why I’m on the fence about not calling one off slips a relapse. It’s truly shocking to me still how when you use after a long time you really do go right back to where you were when you originally quit. I had moved on, had a “real job” which I was pretty good at, and while I was just treading water because I was an active “functional” alcoholic, I was definitely not where I’d been ten years prior. But there I was again. That night was a time machine that sent me right back. It’s dizzying to think about.
That acquaintance I went out with that night died a few years later, on the streets, with multiple drugs in his system. RIP Chris. He was a good and smart and funny person who could have done amazing things in this world. I genuinely liked him. He and I were the same age and knew each other from work. It was just a couple of months after this awful incident when he took a medical leave to get sober and never came back from it.
I was a drunk who never would have used cocaine had I not been under the influence of alcohol that night.
I don’t have to be out of control anymore. I made the decision to get and stay sober a little over two years after this awful night. That was just over two and a half years ago, I am now 42 and when I quit drinking I was at the tail end of 39. I like to say I pulled into the sobriety parking lot right at the end of my 30s.
Alcohol and coke go hand in hand. Thank god I never touched heroin so I don’t know anything about that to help you with but I do understand the role we give it to counteract the coke high and help us sleep. I find sad irony in that.
Either way, Epictetus, I’m asking you to trust me for a second. As a sober person I read your words and nod my head, and say “me too”. I also read your words as a sober person and am horrified because you are playing with fire. What you’re describing is a lethal cocktail that has massive effects on the brain. Any of those substances separately is something that causes terrible effects and together they are worse. And you can’t do one at a time because if you do, you end up with impaired judgment that brings you right back where you were. I hope you stop. Stop it all. Right now. Use this site for support and if you have a bad physical withdrawal consider going to a dr, any dr, and say these words: “I believe I am an alcoholic and a drug addict and these conditions are self diagnosed conditions. I have been using cocaine heroin sleeping pills and other prescription drugs in combination with alcohol and I need help to stop. I want to stop and I need help to get through the ensuing sickness I’m experiencing.” In the US if a dr hears these words and doesn’t provide help they could lose their license to practice. They will help you and by your words here I believe you need it.
If you don’t need the dr because you don’t get that sick (everyone is different) be patient with your body because it takes time to normalize the circadian rhythm. It will suck. All I can say is keep perspective. Five years from now, if you’re still alive, you’ll think back “wow I wish I’d just endured a month or two of discomfort because it’s been five years that have gone by now and I could have been living a different life”.
Ultimately, that’s what got me sober, was remembering that.
My best to you and thank you for this post. You reminded me of my story.
-bexxed