Update: My attorney called yesterday to let me know his attorney says they are unable to find an expert witness to testify that his results are false. She feels confident that we can get this dismissed, get attorney's fees, and get him to stipulate an agreement that he owes me X amount (for unpaid spousal, child support, positive drug tests he was supposed to reimburse me for... etc.)
So I guess that's good news.
But then, I don't know.
I feel blessed, really and truly best. My kids are safe, I have a nice home, I love my job (most of the time).
But I'm told so often to "smile". I'm asked, "What's wrong?" And I'm getting really frustrated. I kind of lashed out recently at this woman who has really been doing this to me constantly. I was just walking to my car and didn't happen to notice she was there, and she said, "SMILE!" I told her, "This is my face! I'm actually pretty happy! I'm fine!!!"
But maybe I'm not fine. You know what? Maybe this is all kinda getting to me. I've been emotionally abused for years, and divorcing my narcissistic ex only served to make the abuse worse. I live my life in fear that he will take my kids away, kill me, frame me. He never leaves me alone for long. He's always coming at me with something new. And the police, and victim services, and even my attorneys have been little help. My newest attorney is the best I've had yet, but she's basically taken the position that I need to do everything I can to refute his accusations of "parental alienation". Play nice. She says the more I try to show convince the court he's a danger to our kids, the more I run the risk of losing custody. But he IS a danger, To them and to me.
I'm being told to smile even when I think I'm already smiling. And I get angry at people for saying something, because I think to myself, "This is my normal. There is nothing wrong. Leave me alone." But maybe there's just no way to truly be happy when this is my normal?
I just feel like I had a revelation today that they're all right. I'm really, really unhappy. I feel like I've forgotten how to be.