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Old 02-18-2019, 04:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Suzieq17 View Post
So I was researching the ACOA roles in the family and I am the scapegoat—middle child, first and only female. I am also an alcoholic. Sober for 47 days.
Former scapegoat here.

Congrats on your 47 days of sobriety.

I have always felt like I was a victim of curcumstance my entire life!! Reading this definition of the role I played (and play) in my family dynamic is disturbing and enlightening.
I remember having the same reaction.

It was suggested to me by my therapist to not get caught up by this label. I suggest the same to you. Stop reading about it and remove the label. Put it in the past. You are an adult now, and no one can sh*t on you without your permission. Forgive the child who couldn't stick up for herself because of survival.

I have 2 brothers who fit their roles as well.
My siblings had their roles, too. The rebellious (and manipulative) sibling, and the hero sibling. I used to think the hero sibling had a wonderful life until it was explained to me that her role came with a great deal of stress. It makes sense now. None of the roles in an alcoholic home are good. Children shouldn't have roles.

I still deal with an alcoholic father and a mother who favors the boys and makes excuses for my dad (my parents are divorced).
They. Won't. Change.
But you can.
Just don't change for the goal and expectation of them changing. Do it for YOU.

I’ve tried NC with all of them at some point, but sooner or later their guilt trip is laid on me and they are back annoying me and blaming me for everything.
These words are exactly my words. I experienced this. You are in control and have a choice if you allow them to guilt you back into the family. In my family it was their warped way of "love", but it was also because they f*cking needed their scapegoat back in order to function. Families get pissed when the scapegoat finds his or her backbone that was always there and leaves.

They will not change.

They will not change.

They will not change.

They will not change.

They will continue to put you into that Scapegoat box until the day you die. And you will remain in that Scapegoat box until after you die. Get the f*ck out of the box and kick it to the god damn curb.

Stop thinking they will. It'll ruin your life. It ruined mine. I will probably have to survive on rice & beans when I retire because of the amount of money I have spent in therapy, crying hysterically because of they continue to treat me the same ways, day in and day out, year in and year out. I couldn't see what I now see, until I did my step work in AA synergistically with my therapy.

They will likely continue to guilt, annoy, and blame you for everything until the day they die.

Unless they get years and years and years of therapy. Then there may be a chance they change. But probably not. One of my siblings was in therapy for a couple of years. I mistakenly thought she changed. But she went right back to her "I'm going to be sweet and friendly to PTF, and then I'll swoop her right up like a hawk catching its prey and pry out all of the private and personal information I want to get out of her and then be satisfied." It's sick. You're their drug. Take your f*cking power back, and never ever give it away again. Respect yourself because they don't respect you.

In hindsight I see how absolutely ludicrous it was for the things I got blamed for. People who are too f*cking weak to see their own mistakes, will project and blame the scapegoat. My mother blamed me for her rages. What type of sick parent blames a child on her inability to control her anger? Thank god my psychiatrist told me that adults are in control of their own emotions. I was blamed for everything little and everything big. If the waiter overcharged my parents, it was my fault. Sh*t like that. If my father had a medical issue, it was my fault. No one could ever look within and see their own faults.

My post is for other Scapegoats—how do you accept your role and manage it in a healthy way?
How I accept my role? I don't accept it anymore.

How do I manage it in a healthy way? By setting boundaries/limitations, keeping relationships surface only, and by walking away if they continue to try to guilt me, blame me, or manipulate me any other way.

I manage it in a healthy way by not accepting blame for anything that I do not deserve.

I also manage it in a healthy way by not wasting a second of energy trying to explain why something they think is my fault is not my fault. It's not my role to change their mind. They can continue to think in their insane warped ways.

I’ve struggled my entire life with this, and just want to understand and move on to becoming the best version of me.
Don't try to understand it. You can't. It's really illogical and irrational. They probably love you but that's not the point. It's all f*cked up and warped and caused by their unresolved pain.

You can become the best version of yourself by just living your own life and do what makes you happy. Stop letting them guilt, blame, manipulate you. If something feels off, it likely is off. They'll try every which way to get you back into their dysfunctional drama and chaos filled tornado of a family system. Don't let them. Again, they probably do love you but that's so not the point.

We are the truth tellers and confident to speak up and out—I like that about me.
I keep my truths to myself.

I will speak up if I'm around them and one of them is treating me sh*tty. Or I will calmly just end the interaction however I see fit.

I will observe their excuses, blaming me for misunderstanding or whatever excuse they make, and just listen watch.

These types of family systems hate it when the Scapegoat speaks up, because they cannot handle hearing the truth. So they get angry, rageful, manipulative, and vicious if you try to speak the truth. They will gaslight you to everyone else. I let them continue to live in their dysfunctional lies and just stay the f*ck out of it.

Share your experience, advice, wisdom. I am hoping to use responses as tools in my recovery.
I hope this helped.

Warning: people in 12-step programs do not understand the role of the scapegoat. It gets really f*cked up because step work is supposed to see how WE harmed others. Step work doesn't really give a f*ck how others harmed US, especially if it's our own f*cking family.

I did a thorough 4th step. I didn't harm my family. I needed my therapist to drill that into my head, because it went against the cult of my AA group. No amends were necessary. The way I acted out as a kid/teen was for survival and in response to the scapegoat abuse. If you do step work I strongly encourage you to get yourself to a therapist who understands the role of the Scapegoat. And run the f*ck out if you're with a therapist who was from an alcoholic home and was another one of the roles, because they'll only see you as the way they saw their family scapegoat.

Find your inner strength. It's there. You're likely a lot stronger than you think you are. Your inner strength was what made you the Scapegoat. They couldn't control someone who was strong.

Do not talk with any family members about this scapegoat/ACOA family dynamics stuff you read about. It'll make them angry, which means they'll project more of that anger onto. They can't face up to anything. Everything small and big must be blamed on the Scapegoat.

Be very careful if one of your family members starts to treat you all nicey-nice. They likely want information out of you to figure out how to get you back into their sick and twisted family dynamics. They're pissed they can't treat you like a scapegoat anymore and dump on you. Then they'll use the info against you, and treat you just like they always treated you. A place to empty and project a dump truck of sh*t they can't and probably will never be able to face about themselves.

Advice: Think of something to tell friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc. when they look at you puzzled as to why you're not spending Christmas with your family, inviting your family to your baby shower, etc. Society does not understand. And if you try to explain to people, they will just get more puzzled. Just smile and have a short sentence or two excuse and change the subject back to the person asking. Do not let anxiety take over. I ruined relationships with some of my spouse's family because of this mistake. True everyone has family sh*t, but no one understands the ACOA unless they are one, too, in the same role. And if they're way of handling being an ACOA was just to brush everything all under the rug, forget it. They won't understand. My therapist taught me I don't owe anyone an explanation about anything. It's no one's business. Be peacefully confident in your decisions and how you live your life.

Just live your life and be happy. It'll make me happy if you do this. It's basically too late for me. Their guilt, manipulation, abuse, rage and blame worked for too f*cking long. It took me too long to allow myself to see the TRUTH.
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The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Pathwaytofree For This Useful Post:
Alysheba (03-24-2019), dandylion (05-20-2019), honeypig (02-18-2020), StellaBlu (08-03-2019), Suzieq17 (02-18-2019)