Purplethistles…….your post brings many thoughts to my mind.....so, I will try to share some of them with you.....
First of all.....as has been already pointed out....you can't help him with what is going on in his own head. Even if you were a professional, you couldn't. You are to closely enmeshed....and therefore, lose your objectivity. And, he wouldn't accept it from you, anyway. You say, in other posts, that you "understand" this...but, I doubt that this is true...while you may intellectually see that this makes sense.....most of us have and intense inner directive that tells us that we CAN fix it, if we just try hard enough....
The kind of "help" that I hear him asking for is really for you to return to enabling him....and allowing him to return to the status quo, of yester year....
Alcoholics are pretty good at manipulating the loved ones (especially those who believe that they can help). He is doing a pretty good job of it, too....With a phone call he has you wavering---after you have stated so many times that you will not....He knows where your buttons are....he knows what works, when he pushes the right buttons....He knows what you want....and, he know what to say that gives you a fresh sure of "hope"....again....
Second thought----this brings up a common issue that is not very often talked about...not even on these alcohol/addiction forums. Yet, I see it as a big issue....
the sexual abuse of man and boys. It happens to women, commonly, of course...and many never talk about it....In my experience, I think that men are even less inclined to ever talk about it. Most never even tell their partners or wives.....Many won't even disclose it to a therapist...or others in a support group....
Drinking alcohol or taking drugs is a way of trying to deal with feelings...any feelings....good ones/bad ones. Drinking to cope with negative experiences...and to celebrate the new job or the cat's birthday. So, naturally, those awful feeling that come with sexual abuse, at any age, fall into the category of another reason the justify drinking.
There is help for him, if he is willing to reach out and ask for help to deal with his prior abuse.....There are some specific websites.....One of the most recommended and long standing is the following...
www.rainn.org.
This website can be a good way to start to get support and help for the victims...
I think that it would be a good move to tell him about that site....
I believe that the best way you can be of "help" for him is to Get Out of His Way.....and not enable him....
There are many others who are prepared to help him....those organizations that are designed for the victims of male sexual abuse...and abuse of all kinds....AA.....sponsors, therapists, psychiatrists (especially for medications).
As long as he thinks...and, you let him believe, that he can "come to you" for the help that he needs...he will not reach out to those who really can help....
Another thought....this ia about you, personally. It concerns me that you are not getting enough face to face support that you should have, in your situation. Being pregnant, of course, makes having support, for yourself, even more urgent.....
Purplethistles...it sounds, to me, like you have been, essentially, alone, for a long time.....Having him in the home, hasn't kept you from being alone in your responsibilities, and your other separations haven't kept you from being alone, in your responsibilities. It sounds, to me, like you have, basically, been a single parent for a long time.....
An observation that I have had for a long time...from my own experience and working with pregnant women (I am a medical person)…..is, that, pregnancy brings about an intense interest in "nesting". A desire to prepare the nest and desire the attentions and help of the other parent...this is very normal, and smart of Mother Nature. This is the very hard part, for the pregnant woman who is desperately wanting the alcoholic/addict to step up to the plate. I have so commonly observed that the active alcoholic will become even worse around the time of delivery and post partum period. I used to work at a woman's hospital and saw this all of the time.
This often brings even more hardship for the new mother......as the new mother can expect to be better off without the alcoholic/addict bringing an extra level of stress....here are much better people to help the new mother through delivery and post partum period.....Friends, family, neighbors, physician and other medical personell and support organizations directed at new mothers and newborns.....
Don't forget alanon…..you could really use their understaning and compassion, about now....
I, also, think that you brain is playing a trick on you.....Since he has been out of the house for a while....you are beginning to minimize the actual effects of the alcoholism.....forgetting how bad it has been on a day to day basis.....
This is common....Don't let your heart override your brain. Your heart can't be trusted, at this time. My advice is to keep your brain in charge....
Purplethistles...LOL...I could go on and on...but, I will cut it short, for now....
Keep posting....as there is so much to talk about....