Jaguar...…...how "still entwined" are you with him....? Specifically?
Are you still living with him? In what ways do you depend on him....if you do....
Do you have a job?
I remember you saying that you were working o n your graduate degree.....how is that going. You speak well and sound like an intelligent woman.....so, it makes sense that you should be employable....Yes? No?
Where are you, right now, in your own story...your own mind? do you still have hope for yourself....or have you decided to go no further, in your life.....?
do you have any goals, at all...or do you ever dream of anything better...?
I believe that it would be a good step for you to hang on here, in SR and talk to us about these things.....One thing, for Sure---there are always [ep[;e, here, who will listen with compassion and non-judgement---you are always welcome. and are in the company of those who have been in similar situations---or even worse....!
There is no situation that cannot be made better, in some way....
You are not alone....you say that, in the past, you have had a psychiatrist, and a therapist...and, you say that you went to alanon, at one time.....have these persons fallen by the wayside----maybe, time to each out your hand, to them, again.....
Yes, I do hear that you feel at the bottom of a hole....but, I promise you that there is a way out of the hole....out into the sunlight....
just...reach...out...your....hand, and we will grab a hold!