Hey all — I could use some support today.
Last night I had the first hit in my armor when my Dad sent me a text to the effect of, “I have some really great bottles of wine for you guys!”
I’m gonna talk to him — won’t be too much of a surprise — I’ve gone long stretches without alcohol, not only for personal reasons but for several unrelated diets and for health reasons related to my crohns (excessive alcohol is a trigger — and I’m in remission... add that to good reasons for lifelong sobriety).
Not worried about a conversation w/ my parents. They understand completely — neither one of them struggle with alcohol abuse, but they are supportive. But my inner monologue did start to emerge a bit with some of the following thoughts:
Oh come on. You’re really never going to have a sip of wine again? Not even a $100 bottle at Christmas? You love the taste of wine, you love the complex flavors, the varying types — the deep cultural tradition behind it, the pageantry of tasting. You could probably do that. Make it a once a year thing. You’re not so weak that you couldn’t do that? Right?
I instantly used the externalizations technique that Dee has posted about, and identified this as my AV “alcohol voice” trying to put the first hit in my armor, the first counter attack.
I also discussed it with my wife, she said:
“This alcohol voice of yours isn’t very kind, is it?”
I had never really thought about that. The internal monologue that tells me I can drink and be fine is pretty damn mean about it. Always framing abstinence as petty weakness. I’m literally calling myself names, encouraging myself that I can have
just a little poison, like everybody else. You could be normal with alcohol. My AV is a total *******. Which is weird, because I am considered a very even tempered / relaxed and kind person among family and friends.
I’m going to stick to my guns here and
play the tape forward. I’ve been here before. I may be able to have a glass and cut it off one night, I may like or even love the taste — but not the feeling it gives me (moderate drinking gives me a headache). And God help me if I get buzzed — I may be able to “moderate” that, but AV won’t stop there. Next time it’ll be two and a glass of dessert wine. Then a mimosa with brunch. Then bringing home beer again. Then hiding alcohol. Then grabbing a bottle of vodka to slip into my drinks. The first hangover? Well I have to
drink it off. Just enough to feel better.
And the cycle continues.
Not this time. I see through it, and I’m not buying it. Your move, AV.