Sometimes Day 1s are the most important.
I will only post this first blog post here, then the rest in my blog. But I
just wanted to leave this here, because it's my day 1. Maybe this will prevent someone from picking up, I don't know.
As I peel my eyes open, I realize I am still drunk. And why wouldn't I be? I went to bed 4 hours ago after I had completed my 13th glass of pinot Grigio. I know the worst hasn't hit yet since I am still drunk. My kids are up at my parents house and I wasted a perfectly good nights sleep on yet another ugly binge. When was this going to end? If I had a nickel for every time I said that, I could buy seven yachts. Well I guess since I don't have to get up with the kids, I will try to get some more sleep. Should I drink again today? That would certainly kill the hangover and stave off the withdrawals. Yup, I am 32 and I have drank enough to form withdrawals from alcohol. If that isn't sad I don't know what is. 8:20am I wake up again. STILL drunk. Wishing, praying, for 8:20pm where I can lay my head back on the pillow and go to bed sober, and form a new plan, yet again. This has to be my last day 1. My husband comes into the bedroom and just looks at me with that "well you did it again" look. I have sworn off alcohol to him so many times I have lost count, and he quite believing me. I just want a new life. No I want my life but I so badly want to be sober and happy. I use to be good at Crossfit. Now I am not. I don't even know who I am anymore. My whole body is shaking, trembling. My heart is beating so hard and fast I am surprised I am still alive. My mind is pained from worrying about serious, possibly dangerous withdrawals. Are these them? I can hardly breathe. My anxiety is through the roof. This is no way to live, this is the way to die. I so badly don't want to drink at the very same time I do. I can't explain it. No one would believe me. This is my last day 1. I write this at 3:50pm, and I am still severely hungover. I miss my kids like crazy. They deserve a better mother. One that won't pass out with her 2 year old in the same bed. Oh gosh how disgusting I must smell to them. How confusing this must be for them. I go to the bathroom. I can't look myself in the eye, but I do. I look like a pathetic, run down person. The light in my eyes are gone. It has been replaced by tired, bloodshot, glassy, lifeless, eyes. I go to the bathroom for the hundredth time because I have guzzled a swimming pool of water, but am still so thirsty. 8:30am. It's only been 10 minutes? There is still wine upstairs. Oh and downstairs. I text my husband to dump it out. If he doesn't, I may drink it and continue drinking until I pass out again, and then do this all again tomorrow morning but worse. I have drank for 6 days straight. The longest binge in recent times since I relapsed almost 6 months ago. What happened to me. I hang my head in shame and lay back down. Here's another beautiful day wasted because I will lay in bed all day. Please, please, please, future self. You are worth 1000 more than this pain and misery. Read this. Don't drink. Whatever you do, don't drink. You may have forgotten this pain, but it is very real and you will wake up tomorrow feeling this bad again. And it will have all started over again.