trudgingagain

Welcome LiveHer! Great support on this site! As for self-sabotage, I do that all the time as well. I have gotten sober 3 times before (for years at a time)....only to subsequently rationalize taking that first drink (again), thinking that I could control my own drinking.....of course THAT didn't work and I was worse each time. As for kindling, the last time I quit (2013), my withdrawal was BRUTAL. I feel somewhat lucky that this time I have not had any withdrawal symptoms. Cravings? Yes. Regrets? Yes. Incomprehensible demoralization? YES! It's all part of the process of getting sober. I did my fair share of drunk dialing/texting, and I would have to look at my phone the next day to see what I did....no more! I agree that relapse does NOT need to be part of recovery, but for me it has been. Good for you Awkward Kitty that you at least are aware that you may be planning your relapse....I did (but never admitted it to myself).....so I relapsed, of course thinking "Oh, I can do this for 'x' amt. of days and THEN I'll quit"....obviously THAT didn't work....which is why I am a newcomer (again) I first got sober when I was 38....Thank God I kept trying, since I think by now I have had more sober than drunk years (I am now 64).....and I want to die sober! I hope that I have a few more years to make living amends ....that's the best I can do right now. So, don't wait, Addy! NOW is the time, so that you can live a life of gratitude and have happy memories through the next chapter of your life....
Evvo- I romanticized drinking for SO many years. Both of my parents were alcoholics (my mom died from alcoholism....she was totally jaundiced, bloated, and all of her organs shut down. We had to finally "pull the plug"....it was not a pretty sight).They also both worked in the restaurant business and my dad "taught" me which glass was for what drink, what drinks to order when, etc. Maybe that's why I like the "pretty" glasses and (when sober) I order juices, tea, etc. in a wine glass....somehow that helps me to feel less "deprived".

I HATE being an alcoholic.....but, it is what it is and today I KNOW that I will stay sober! I WISH I could drink "normally", but by now I realize that is not an option. As for family being triggers, mine is for sure! My sister is an alcoholic, and one of my daughters is a recovering addict (who has bled me dry)....so I HAVE to stay away from them. As I said before, I isolated myself pretty much from everyone while I was drinking, so I don't have many friends anymore. I am going to work on re-establishing those relationships. I have a lot of work to do.

Today, however, I am going to just do what's in front of me. I make a list each day for what I need to do, and I feel quite accomplished even if I only do ONE thing a day! Yesterday, I met with the CPA, went grocery shopping and did a bunch of errands. That never would have happened had I been drinking. So....onward and upward! Have a good day everyone! BTW, WhoDey, I love the proverb!