Good morning my friends- I'd love to know how you are doing with your food plan Sunflower- and Murrill, how are you feeling without the fruit?
I talked to the woman in OA last night. I am starting to sense the feel of this group is very rigid and not warm and fuzzy which I totally understand, but it's a bit hard to get used to. I guess I wanted someone to be compassionate and instead the overall feel is one of "we have all the answers and if you want to recover, you have to do everything we say."
Listen, they obviously know what they are doing- some of these women have decades in recovery- what I wouldn't give to be in that place too. The hardest thing for me right now is letting go of my ego who wants to scream, "I already know all of this- I am not a newbie, I know that I am a sugar addict and what that means for my body."
When I told her I can stop but I cannot stay stopped she said it's 1 of 2 problems: I am either still eating foods that I am "allergic" to and I don't know it, or I have not really surrendered to step 1.
This brings up tons of emotions for me.
Step 1- I absolutely know in my heart of hearts that I am powerless over sugar and refined carbohydrates in addition to other highly palatable foods. I am a food/sugar addict. There is no way around this.
As for the food, I am in a state of panic. I am pretty sure she is going to have me take away dairy and nuts. What does that leave me with as a vegetarian? Leafy greens and non-starchy vegetables, tofu and tempeh, eggs and seeds. This makes me feel that grief all over again. Is the point of recovery to eliminate all foods that we enjoy? There are days when the thought of eating an egg makes me want to vomit. Other days I can do it. But I don't love eggs- I just know my body needs them.
I am calling her back today with a list of all the foods I have "enjoyed and tried to control." So in other words, food is not to be enjoyed? I'm so confused. My disease is fighting me so badly on this.
I am in a state of panic all over again. Does that mean I really have not done step 1? This is so confusing.
Any input would be helpful- sorry for the long post.
It's 6:34 and raining outside on top of the snow we got last night. I have a feeling schools will be closed. I am feeling awful from the carbs I ate last night and all I want is to get through day 1. I did great until I got home and saw a half eaten sandwich on the table and another drug food. It's everywhere in this damn house. How will I ever stop if these foods are always in front of me?