Hi Tinkerbeau,
Your post reminds me of what I wrote in December 2014 in a journal I kept on my computer called Memoirs of an Alcoholic. This is me writing to my alcoholic self.....
December 2014
"Okay so I had a really rough day. Drank Sat afternoon right until Sunday night. Very dangerous and very unhealthy. I was so uncomfortable at work!! It was awful. So depressed and sick. Scared for my health. If I start drinking I cannot stop until I am drinking blindly. I lose my memory. Please stop. Please read this before you pick up again. You cannot control your drinking. I was so out of it today. Throwing up. Nervous and very unsettled. Here’s to a good nights sleep. Start again tomorrow."
I was where you were. I have been sober now since May 29th 2018. You can do it too!