Originally Posted by
dandylion 
hearthealth…...remember that feelings are not, necessarily, facts.
living. enmeshed, with a dysfunctional person is a recipe for unhappiness, for sure. You don't know what living outside of a dysfunctional relationship is like....
Ever since you started posting on this forum...your situation has reminded me of "thousandwords"......do you remember her? I followed her journey, closely.
She was, at one time, paralyzed by fear of the future and fear of even expressing herself to her husband.....
Since leaving that situation, her life has done an amazing transition.....her recent updates show that!
I suggest that you might go back and read all of her threads.....
Sure, you will grieve the loss of your dream for this marriage....if you have not, already, begun that process....but, look at it this way----I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain. Living with a miserable person...whether alcoholic/recovering alcoholic/or otherwise dysfunctional person is a misery that goes on and on and on...only getting worse, over time....and, it NEVER ends.....
Wheras, leaving such a toxic situation can be scary, at first, but, that discomfort comes to an end, after a while.....
So, does one pick unhappiness for a lifetime or pick discomfort for a short time?
I have great empathy for you. as I have followed you for a long time...and, I want to see you living in happiness!
Please get the help you need to move forward to a happier part of your life......
HH- There is no doubt that you are not happy in this marriage, I sense you may fear that nothing will change- with separation, and you will still be unhappy- yet now also struggling financially/changing life of others/going through legal process etc...You say you think you will be sad divorced also...I highly doubt it.
That thinking kept me stuck much longer than I should have.
YES- divorcing: you will go through terrible feelings and feel like you made things worse. You may have to let go of the idea of how you think things will turn out- let go of material things, even your home. That was a sticking point for me I wanted HIM to leave this time, much easier for the rest of us, etc. ...
You will mourn what your marriage could have/should have been. You will feel anger for things you put up with, for wasting time, and as you realize that things would never have changed or become what you are currently holding out hope for. IT WILL SUCK
as soon as the suck subsides, you will begin to feel and realize life is different on your own terms. Your mind chatter will go away and you will realize you aren't an unhappy person, it was the environment/situation. His thoughts and habits will go away, and you will notice that you don't either: rush home or avoid home after work. You can cook whatever for dinner, watch a stupid show not having to entertain exah. Go to bed when you want. The kids will play more. You might be able to read a book and comprehend the story, or take a class or grow a garden, so much time of ours is tied up walking around eggshells for a person who will never change. Take away drinking- doesn't matter.
So yeah, there will be bad times and you will be sad perhaps after divorce- but you will have the time and money to see a counselor for that kind of sadness, and actually do something about it instead of remaining in this cruddy situation, perpetuating the bad feelings you are having.
Now I will stop here and just post this. It may come across rambling, but I wanted to chime in, HH, you are one of the main reasons I still check in here.