Since 9th of November 2018 Clean and sober
I have been sober now since 9th of November and wheras by choice I chose not to see my two younger children until I was emotionally strong enough and for now just have them on weekends it breaks my heart when the break out in uncontrollable tears when having to go back to their fathers. It makes me feel like such a loser. For more than 9 plus years I was their everything and I know I had a major relapse where I just could not forgive myself hence I kept everyone in my eyes safe, but this is so heartbreaking seeing my 8 year old sobbing deep from her heart, hperventilating when she has to leave and then seeing my 9.5 year old trying to be strong but breaking down as well. And there is nothing I can do at the moment but look after myself and get a job and I do not want. I feel powerless it is such a horrendous feeling when you know its all ones fautl because I allowed the relapse to go on for so long.