I used to love this about my AH. We’d chat and get deep into ideas about things we could do to improve business or bounce ideas about making money together. Always over a drink of course. Me one or two glasses - him one or two bottles.

It was the birth of several ideas over the years that subsequent fell flat. Usually ...actually no, always, I’d have the idea. Then he would get so enthusiastic and start to really create the vision. I’d put the idea to work and I’ve built three businesses from it with him. I’ve also written a book and a blog and can see now, my best ideas are the ones he hasn’t become involved with.

Those have failed because I did it for him to stop him having to find work, done all the ground work and research then set him up. He’s failed each time and although two are still in existence they are basically just all store front and no stock. He looks like a business owner to outsiders but he wings it. We earn nothing. Well, what little we do earn he spends on booze. It could still be potentially very good but - He is owed money left right and centre and forgets to chase up invoices. He misses appointments, looses vital details and forgets important information. I started to help again as we’ve become short staffed and partly because my own mother put pressure on me to “help him out because it’s important that my family have an income and I haven’t given him a chance - he can’t manage it on his own he needs me” (as opposed to my blogging which was unpaid, so in her opinion pointless)

Today I was humiliated as I went to cover a job for a client, after he told me she was in India - he gave me the key to her property and I went in and completed the tasks she had actually intended us to do for next week not today. She got home and rang him furious and I heard her ranting at him. As soon as she hung up I got angry with him, at how he could have gotten it so wrong, he only saw the woman in Tuesday!!! and he just hushed me told me to drop it - wanted me to stop “going on - over reacting”. I spent the next few hours in a silent rage, honestly I thought I’d cry - wandering round in a daze in the supermarket my heart was racing.

I calmed down I always do. Tonight i got another “idea” about something totally separate I’ve been working on for myself lately.

I told him about it and he got super excited - anyone would think I’m the next Alan Sugar. It’s a good idea but his over egged excitement has actually put a dampener on it for me. I’m quite shocked normally I’d be buzzing too. Finally I’m seeing through his eagerness for me to be a success - I think he just wants me to be something so he can live comfortably and not work again. Drink himself into oblivion on a yaught in the Bahamas instead of the couch. It’s left me with an empty cold feeling tonight and usually I’m buzzing with enthusiasm after one of these “chats”. It’s a really great idea don’t get me wrong but this time - I wish I hadn’t told him. I don’t want him to make it about “us” it’s something I’ll do and if it’s successful I will be gone. It could even be my key to a new life. Im feeling low today - just so low. He got so “excited” about this idea he talked and talked about it - Googled a few things and drank so much he has passed out on the sofa after a load of gin and red wine - he’s been unconscious with the glass in his hand for hours.

Sickens me and I feel bad for telling him my idea. Like I get his hopes up for an amazing future that he can’t sustain. Angry because he expects me to create the vision and he wants to live off the back of it. Upset because I do actually want to share my dreams with someone but I just feel empty. I’m spent.

Not sure i made any sense. I’m just venting and grateful that I can do that here and not be alone.