I'm still sober, but I am having a bad day. out of nowhere. I was doing so well, then all of a sudden I feel depressed. It hits me occasionally like this, and it feels like a black wave of sadness. I want to die. I fantasize about killing myself, and it's the only thing that makes me feel better. Don't worry--it's suicidal ideation. I have no actual plan or intention of killing myself. Not meaning to alarm anyone or break any rules on this forum. Just wanting to record my feelings in this accountability thread. I need to treat my mental health; there must be something chemically wrong with me to feel this way so suddenly. I get so overwhelmed when I think about seeing a therapist. I keep promising I will, and never do. Same with a doctor. I tell myself I don't have the time. It's true enough when I look at my week's calendar. There are truly no free days. But I have to make the time. I cancelled all my work appointments and meetings for this afternoon and went home. I was supposed to meet friends this evening for sober times, but I made up an excuse. Just going to get into bed and cry myself to sleep, even though it's the middle of the day.
I feel weak and worthless and ashamed. Why can't I manage day to day life? Why does it hurt so much? I know I am lucky that I have a work schedule that allows me to skip out on a working day. Not sure what I want to say in this post really. Just explaining how I feel.