I remember how desperately afraid I was before I got sober. I was desperately afraid I would fail, that this would kill me, that I would leave my kid alone and defenseless and hurt in the world, and that for all the things I lucked out on, alcohol would defeat me and take it all away.
I was an at home drinker - every day - and every morning, I would get in the car with my hangover and drive my kid to school and myself to work, praying, desperate that this would be the day I could stop. This would be the day I could start, you know?
I had one of those golden moments, a miracle really. I woke up one day and I knew. I just freaking knew that that day was the day. And it was! It was hard and it was lonely and it was frustrating, but I kept putting one foot in front of the other and not taking that first drink.
Now my life is immeasurably different. To an outsider, it probably doesn't look like anything has changed at all. But people on SR will understand. That desperation and fear isn't part of my life anymore. I keep it on the edge of my mind always so I'm aware of the danger. I will never go back there. I have peace. I have joy. I have moments of road rage. I have frustration. I can be counted on. I AM counted on. And it's all me. I had to meet myself on the road to recovery and I'm pretty okay. Sarcastic and awkward, but okay.