" I don't know anymore, its ok to say I need to want to be sober more than wanting to drink but what if that isn't enough?"
This really is it Ben. It really is this simple. Not easy to break, but it is just this.
At the moment of lifting the drink to our mouths, we choose to drink more than we choose not to. Nothing more, nothing less.
If what you are doing isn't enough, then maybe some professional counseling would help. Something to break that addictive choice.
There have been times for me (not necessarily drinking) where things get so twisted and confusing that the only thing to do is scrap the whole thing and start over. Reboot. Delete and restore. Blank canvas. Reshuffle the deck. Wipe the slate clean. You know what I mean.
Trying to force something to work that just never seems to work is futile.
Good luck. Thanks for sharing too.