I ((((((wiscgirl)))))))), a warm welcome to SoberRecovery....you've been guided here and have been blessed more then you'll know. Listen to the gang best teachers around, LISTEN hard to what is said to you, today's a good day to stop the insanity.
Heck I'm weird and don't go to AA, hehe. But you know I wish you'd chose to go there, go to some open meetings sit and listen, and I'm betting you'll hear your story, I'm betting there's someone waiting for you to walk through those doors. I've attended some it's a good place to be, I understand what you mean about the cult thing I listened to some talk and it seemed they can't talk normal, ah you know what I mean. I think right now it would be a huge step in the right direction for you, it's to hard to do it alone, you can try to convince yourself all the time, but nope you need help, church is good to if it works for you.
A lot of what you've said I can relate to most of it, and I can tell you it will get worse the longer you continue, they weren't kidding when they said it's progressive.
I have two grown children, I know how you feel about that, my kids grew up seeing me in a way they should never have, I can't change that fact, I should have went for help at a younger age, but I didn't, always thought I could do it alone, or I'd ignore the fact I had a problem and let it keep ruling me, let myself be a slave to it, or I'd listen to others telling me nothing was wrong...shaking my head. I wanted to go to AA when I was your age, so sick all the time, hangovers from hell, but I listened to hubby, he didn't want me going there, heavens forbid I do such a thing.....oh if I could go back to your age. You know life is short let me tell you, don't be like me sitting there 20 years later wondering where the time has went, wondering why you didn't get help when it was there for you.
The blackouts, it will get to the point where every binge will be a black out, that's a guarantee, you'll put yourself in harms way and not even know it, and worse if you hurt someone else and not know it. Much to my dismay I fell into a wood stove this past Jan, got burnt pretty good, a real good dose of a taste of hell, and to this day I have no clue how it happened, so see how scarey it is, you end up paying a high price when you don't have to.
Suicide....oh yeah can't take much more of the this so it does cross a person's mind, and how dare we do that to our children, how dare we. Besides our addiction is a suicide a slow painful one, it will get us one way or another, that's what it wants.
Ok done rambling here, you have your youth, please get some help, don't WAIT, give AA a chance, go and listen, you're body will love you sober, your kids will love you sober, YOU will love you sober.
Sending lots of love your way.....Denise (whose taken the long hard way to her sobriety)