I don't know what has happened to me.
It feels like some huge change, and yet...so small. I've always heard people with sober time describe that when they finally got sober it was simple: they decided they wanted to be sober more than they wanted to drink. I finally know that feeling. I'm not a religious person, but I more or less prayed and prayed and prayed for the will to get sober in my previous attempts...and couldn't. I don't believe one can wish oneself into wanting to be sober. But I do now want to be sober. It's a great feeling. I'm humbled by how simple and momentous it is. I am unburdened of so many worries and questions that I used to have about what's wrong with me, and how I can trick myself into wanting something I know is good for me but don't really desire. The questions were endless. Why me, why am I so unlucky, so bad, so inconsistent, so weak...
The truth is sobriety is easier than drinking. Of course it is; being sober is like breathing. It's how I am supposed to be. It's who I am really am. And being sober is easy when I want to be sober,
I know I'm counting my eggs before they hatch here (only 2+ weeks in). However, it feels so different this time that I am hopeful I've made a permanent change. I know it won't be easy to stay sober, but I see now that it is as simple as everyone promised.
Just needed to put these thoughts down tonight. Thanks for reading, anyone who is reading.