Trying to sleep and rest up, hoping the anxiety will go. It just won't. I am so scared of everything at the moment. Scared I will have ruined my prospects at work by calling in sick..again.
A big trigger for me is travelling for work. I had meetings in London earlier this week and it was on the train back that I decided to get some drinks. How stupid. I can't ever just have a couple. I drink to blackout, lose my purse or phone, have to get one of my family to pick me up from the train station. The next day I spend with the fear, cringing reading the rubbish I have texted people, worrying who knows that I was just drunk. I can't keep living like this, hating this big dark secret that I've hidden away from everyone: I'm an alcoholic. And it feels like I'm a failure because of that fact.
I know that this is a rather rant-y message but I just need to get this out of my head. Everything feels so hard and I'm so scared I can't sort myself out. But enough is enough.