Originally Posted by
SmallButMighty 
Abuse comes in many forms, just because he doesn't beat you doesn't mean he isn't abusive.
My AXH loved me, I know he did, but he did things that were abusive. He was a decent provider but providing a roof and food is not all there is to being a good husband.
-He lied about money and other financial shenanigans ( financial abuse)
-He complained all the time we couldn't afford something I bought for the family yet always had money to get drunk with ( financial and emotional abuse)
-He lied, all the time, not just about drinking ( emotional and mental abuse)
-He manipulated me with talk of suicide ( mental and emotional abuse)
-When confronted he would not listen to me, he'd yell at me for being "unfair" then storm away never letting me finish what I had to say ( manipulation plus mental, emotional and verbal abuse)
-He'd list the things he did well for the family, as if that some how gave him a pass or a balance to do the not good stuff (highly manipulative)
-He drank and drove all the time (abusive in so many ways, including legal jeopardy)
I could go on and on about the things that my AXH did that were so unhealthy for him and then by extension myself and our family. However, I have to own the part I played in that dysfunction because it was our normal. Our very unhealthy "normal". It's really hard to see how messed up it is when you are in the midst of it. Time and distance have me seeing things with much clearer eyes.
I hope whatever path you choose, you find a way to live free of the fear you are feeling today. I remember it well, it sucks.
Everything SmallButMighty said were things my exAH did too. Just replace the alcohol with addiction to various other things -- if he could get drunk or high, it didn't matter. I don't know the stats on this, but I personally believe that abuse, like addiction, is a spectrum from "just having a drink every day after work and feeling hung-over the next day" to "having enough to drink every day that you pass out and your spouse has to roll you over so you don't choke on your vomit". And abuse, like addiction, is progressive. My point is... a human being doesn't become physically violent until the chips are down... and no one can tell what another person's (emotional) bottom is. The fundamental similarity between someone who is a habitual liar and someone who is going to physically hurt you to get what they want is that both those types of people are selfish and they have CONTEMPT for you.
You are the only one who knows if your husband has contemptuous feelings about your family. Think back to the times you disagreed with him, when there was an argument. Did he insist you were wrong... crazy... misinformed? How do his friends treat you?
My exAH also used to tell me that he loved his life with me the BEST of all his ex-partners (HA!). What he really meant was: you are so trusting and you take care of me like the mother I wish I had but didn't and that is the excuse I am going to use for drugging myself into non-existence... because I really hate myself and sometimes, BECAUSE you are so wonderful, I am going to project my self-hatred onto you cause I really hate that you're so wonderful to me.
It took a shocking turn of events (where I was literally afraid I would end up dead) for me to acknowledge that yes, I was in an abusive situation. And yet, because the cognitive dissonance was so strong, I had to have... like... 5 people (in real life) tell me that I needed "no contact" before I could accept it.
I'm not saying that your husband is anything like mine. I really hope he is not! Maybe when the chips are down, he'll get help. He seems to not want help at this moment.
You need a break. Having children with disabilities is so difficult. Is there any way a friend or family member can help you? Can you move into someone's spare room for a few months, pay a small amount of rent?