Thankyou for the replies I have read every one over several times and will keep doing so. It makes sense. Most of it. I struggle with the idea he’s being abusive because he talks so much about how his family are everything to him, we are his world etc etc he gets very misty eyed and soppy when he’s full to brim with red wine.

so the conversation this afternoon was tough. I approached him - he opened a can the minute he got in. So I spoke before he got drunk. He was still very angry at me for my “betrayal” and said he would never ever discuss our personal private business with anyone else. He had a go about my friend saying she was out of order (she’d replied that he was in denial) and that he had thought of her as his friend up until now. She’s been my best friend since I was 2.

I told him I was sorry he’d had to read the message but not sorry for what it said as I meant every words I was clear that his drinking affects us all negatively to which he got very defensive over and demanded to know exact examples of how exactly it affects anyone. I said financially. Emotionally socially. I said he’s not present mentally as he is drinking from mid day until he passes out on the sofa early. He denied this fiercely. He denied drinking more than one bottle of gin a week. Etc etc. Then he tried to give me examples of things he does for us like cook dinner (so that I can get on with my work etc etc) I replied that no - that was normal family life and those things are not for me at all they are what is expected of anyone as a dad. It ended with me saying I was worried about his health, that he isnt going to be around for the kids when they get older. And to that he got upset and hugged me. He said he’d make an effort to “not drink so much” and he had a coffee the rest of this evening he’s not drunk.

Yes I’ve been here before. Several times. I have no doubt whatsoever this is not going to work out or change for the better unless he sees a doctor and asks for help. (I suggested he did this. He didn’t respond) I have made it clear enough that I’m leaving if nothing changes.

I am making changes yes. To my own life. I’ve started doing some online sales for a business and hope it will lead to more work. I also think our lease will be up in the next 12 months and am going to make plans to find a place without him unless a miracle change occurs. (It won’t)

im not really satisfied with how tonight went because I feel I’ve avoided the inevitable - again. I feel like I’m putting it off because the feeling of anxiety about the disruption and fall out of leaving with four children (one adult child living at home with serious health issues - and another with ASD) seems worse than trying to maintain a status quo.