OpheliaKatz

Welcome back, Raining.

Unfortunately nothing changes if nothing changes.

You are now living in fear of your husband. Through this, you are being controlled by him -- fear of what he will do to you or himself controls you.

You also have a right to financial and emotional security... but you are the only one who can decide how you want to live (even if it means living without him).

This situation, where someone as unreliable as he is, is in control of all the money, is dangerous. You are financially dependent on someone you can not rely on... am I correct?

He expects you to enable him by keeping his secrets. You have every right to support either from your friends or from Alanon. If you and your child are walking on eggshells around him, afraid that getting support because he might find out (and then what?), you are in an abusive situation. In your household, the addict has total control over your financial security, your emotional security, and has isolated you. Also, YOU are not an alcoholic, HE is... so why can't you have a glass of wine? He sounds controlling. You don't have to be punched in the face to call it abuse: you have ceded your control of your own life to your spouse; your boundaries have eroded to the point that you are forgoing self-help to not offend him.

I'm a bit worried that he doesn't want you talking to your friends. For me, this is a big red flag. I say this because my exAH didn't like me having friends either (and then years into the relationship, when I was friendless and desperately lonely, he made fun of me for being friendless). If I had been punched in the face, I would have had a clear signal that I was in an abusive situation... but the fact is, unless we know what to look out for, a lot of abusive relationships creep up on us slowly. Abusers are manipulative and controlling... and they draw you in by making themselves seem like victims as well as drawing on your weaknesses (you like rabbits, they love rabbits too! you are an ACOA? They are too! etc...). Now, it could be that your husband was humiliated and got angry, or it could be that he's controlling and has been trying to isolate you. I assumed the latter because you don't go to Alanon because you are afraid of his reaction.

He's not intellectually disabled. He understands what he's doing and how he's affecting his family, he just doesn't want to face it. That's what the drink does: it numbs him... so he doesn't have to face anything... including the fact that drinking hurts his health. Eventually the "disease" will progress to the point that his brain will be so messed up by alcohol that he won't have rational feelings anymore... and this will be the most dangerous point for you.

If you have already told him that you have had enough and nothing has changed (or they have changed and changed back), what do you think will change this time? You need to clarify in your mind what "enough" means first. What are the consequences of his actions -- were there any before? If you really have had enough, and you have discussed your limits with him in the past, it's not as if he's suddenly forgot about them. If he really can't understand anything because he's "sick", discussing the consequences of his actions will be a waste of time.

You might consider what your options are, legally, for separation. I would do this BEFORE talking him in case he's difficult. Just figure everything out with a lawyer or legal aid person (you may be able to get help at Alanon or a DV centre/helpline. You will also have to figure out how to separate your finances -- if at all possible.

I know that for quite a few people, divorce is not an option. But at least separation might bring you some relief. You need to consider it an act of self-care too. Please continue posting, I'm sure other people have better ideas than me.