I’ve not posted for a long while... but been here hovering and reading almost every night in the wee small hours. Not much has changed in my own situation.

I think this morning things have come to a head though and I’m scared.

I went away at the weekend to see a friend. I tell her everything about my situation we are very close she’s my biggest source of strength and support. Anyway when I got back I discovered AH has spent over £100 on booze. No surprise there really - only lately I’ve done well at detaching. I don’t check his consumption anymore. He actively drinks daily in front us us all. I don’t question him - it’s his right.

But we are short of money. I have no idea why he waited for me to go away to buy two bottles of expensive designer gin and a litre of rum plus a 24 pack of lager. He normally drinks gin and red wine every day anyway, so why the “posh” stuff? And why hide it? (Daughter told me about it I didn’t go looking) I then asked him about money as I was short for paying the rent (he runs the family business but I don’t see any of the profit) and he told me he’d spent £500 on “food shopping” in January. I buy the food shopping and he goes to get alcohol with the odd extra bit like bread milk tops ups. When I suggested it was alcohol he’d spent the £500 he denied it and walked out of the room.

so i messaged my friend on facebook. I had a rant and told her about it. trouble is ... my computer has been broken so I’d logged in on his laptop and yes ... he saw the message. Now he’s incredibly hurt and upset and gone off in a huge angry strop. He didn’t allow me to even speak he just ranted at me how upset he was and how wrong I am. My stomach is in knots. Dreading the confrontation later on. I think though .. I have every right to talk to someone I trust about this? I haven’t betrayed him in my eyes by messaging my friend he can’t continue drinking to the level he does without it affecting the people around him. We are all on top toes around him ignoring his behaviour and accepting it. I’ve not been to alanon because I’ve been afraid of him finding out. Plus I feel like a hypocrite because I like a glass of wine at the weekend!

I know I shouldn’t expect him to understand anything as he’s ill. But I can’t help thinking this is it now - it’s time to face it and tell him again we’ve had enough.

thanks for letting me vent in a safe space.