If felt good to hear too WF!
Wow - a lot of stuff there, I've read it all and thanks for all of it.
Where I am stuck is that I am determined to not drink, really really determined. Yet I keep doing it. On one level that is expected - I am addicted and also I haven't experienced much of adult life being sober, so there is heavy habit there. But I am becoming increasingly exasperated that I cant string this sobriety-thing together.
Because when I drink - this time and others - I have simply made a decision to drink. This time I tried to fortify myself with every plan I could but this all goes out the window when I choose to drink. Its because it is ME choosing to drink, ME does not have the power to resist. No matter what I try, its half hearted, because ME/MYSELF/I has chosen to drink. I knew on Friday I should eat, I knew it inside out...but I chose not to so when the funeral finished BANG.
This is why I am questioning how much I want NOT to drink. Or maybe I am kidding myself, not being honest. Maybe I AM incapable of being honest with myself.
That all sounds defeatist, but I feel anything but. Some of my habits are changing/have changed; I am finding sober days and weeks easy, something I could not do even for one day 12 months ago. My daily plans are good and I suffer very little with cravings or the AV. I have told family and friends I have given up and have their support. And of course I have you guys here supporting me. Thats all the positive stuff.
I also believe, reading this site daily for months on end, that the answer is prolonged sobriety. I believe I can change, we all can, its a matter of creating plans to not drink daily, and if all goes belly up to just bloody-mindedly NOT DRINK for that day.
I go again. I can't do anything else but keep trying. I will write up a plan tonight, I will stick to it tomorrow, building on what works. Day 2 has just ticked over,