Evening all
Things haven't been good for me - I went to a funeral yesterday and got hopelessly drunk. Now I feel hot/cold and shaky and pretty damn low.
I don't know what to do. I feel very close to you guys and you and SR have helped me amazingly. But something is not "clicking" for me. I am putting in a lot of effort but it scares me that, perhaps, I do not want to "stay sober more than drink". Or that I am constitutionally unable to be honest with myself. Or some other thing that is making me repeat this cycle.
I also really don't want to be a hindrance to any of you. I know you will say I am not, but for Final and WF especially you don't need me harping on about my day ones.
I know I need a plan...I know some things that work and can see the things that don't. Apart from that I don't know anymore, except I keep going back to square one.
Grrrrrrrr - I am so cross with myself, I hate myself so much when I drink. I disgust myself - thats not just words I really do feel that.
I am sober today and feeling horrible. Anxiety closer to terror. I will sleep soon and tomorrow will come back and think what my plan is moving forward.
Keep going guys, maybe my role in the group is as a cautionary tale...but thats not my choice moving forward.