You nailed it precisely. I have no idea what I want ;-) Well OK, I want to wave my magic wand and be able to fix everything but that is unlikely.
I put it in the God Box this afternoon - that's my way of telling myself to knock off the mental masturbation and get to work on stuff that matters then come back to it later in meditation.
What came back was that nothing changes unless and until something changes. I don't want to get into a power struggle over this, if it's about power it's not about love and my job is to show her patience, tolerance, kindliness and love even when.....no especially when she is not feeling or acting very lovable.
I don't want to be responsible for playing warden so maybe I just won't - work out the accountability plan with your counselor and sponsor and tell them to call me if I need to be aware of something that puts our son at risk.
Meanwhile I need to practice saying "yeah...I'm not willing to be responsible for that, maybe that's one for you and your sponsor honey".
I don't particularly want to deal with all of the wreckage here but it ain't my wreckage to clean up.
Detachment takes me a while. My brain wants to run down every single street on the map looking for a way out of the maze sometimes until I get tired and realize that the reason I don't have an answer is because it isn't my question to answer.
Thanks for letting me ramble. Just tired and worn out and not feeling up to another round right now but whining is not terribly attractive or productive so maybe I should try some step work instead ;-)
Say a little prayer for her. My bride is in there somewhere and when she fights her way out of this I hope she can say that after my initial panic I settled down and did what I'm supposed to do - be dad, keep my job and don't relapse.
Oh well. So she's a little complicated. Haven't been bored in the past 7 years and after 40 years of laughing at guys who got all goofy over a girl God laughed and said "Yeah? Watch this..."
Ok, ding ding, next round.