Tetrax,
I see two things in your post.
1. Struggling with the, “Am I an alcoholic?” question. I continued to drink for many a year while I pondered this mystery. I had no trouble admitting that my drinking was excessive and problematic, but never quite stepped over that line. I got sober when I realized the answer was irrelevant...my drinking was a problem and that was enough.
2. Thinking the right relationship would save me. I’ve been through divorce and a few nasty breakups that really stung. In my cups I obsessed that if I just found that special someone (or special town, or special whatever) everything else would fall into place. I finally put on my big girl pants, owned my problem, and sat right here in my house and fixed it. I take a lot of pride in that.
An unexpected consequence is that Ihave come to cherish my alone time. I’m good company. If the right relationship comes along,so be it. If not, the peace and contentment I’ve created for myself has many rewards.
Here’s the kicker...it took sustained sobriety, self care, and healing to get to this level of clarity. Best wishes as you choose your path forward.
-bora