Kejun

Hey all,

I am not a frequent poster and I come and go in regard to 'lurking'. Today marks one year of being sober and I dont know if I will ever go back to drinking but I certainly plan not to.

Although I am in a much better place, it doesnt mean that my life is perfect. I do have a calmness and self-respect that was lacking for so long.

I first gave up alcohol end of September 2004 and returned to it in October 2009 when I 'had worked out how to drink like a normal twenty something. I gave up young, 21 years old.

Giving up and staying sober the second time was a kajillion times harder. It truly really was/is. The staying sober was not so difficult after the first couple of months, I was very ready to walk away.

What I did:
- Hit meetings. A lot.
- Ran. A lot.
- Cried. A lot. (a pattern is forming!!)
- Felt the most intense guilt and shame of my life especially after my ex found out about more of my behaviour after we split (same day as my sobriety date). We have been in total no contact since around 24th Jan last year and that was ridiculously hard also. Susan Jeffers writes a book "feel the fear and do it anyway" diagrammatically illustrating a healthy, well rounded life consisting of (for example) family, friends, work, fitness, study etc... My life was booze an girl. Lost them both. Same day. I lamented on this for a short time only as it would have been the end of me to remain static and not move.
- planned a big advanture (climbed Mt. Kili in Tanzania in July).
- Disconnected with drinking "friends" who I didnt hear much from at al shortly after anyway (funny that!)
- Created healthy habits - yoga, falun gong, meditation,
- Got a sponsor,
- Got a new sponsor,
- Got rid of second sponsor and was sponsorless after six months (each to their own),
- Worked out early that everyone has to ride out and OWN their own recovery. I did just that. I took away from meetings what I related to and what helped and left the totalitarians/zealots alone (what do I mean? I mean those who are too quick to pass judgement on others working their sobriety as best they can who do not conform to what they believe it appropriate.) If you arent drinking, you are doing something right and others can take a hike.
- Slowly learnt to trust myself and judgement.
- Worked the steps - slowly! I made sure I was ready to complete each step and although I had a sponsors up to step 6, I just 'felt' ready to complete the next step and did so. I took my time. I didnt rush and nor did I try to hesitate; I found a timing for each and trusted myself.
- Read this website and the big book.
- Spoke to older members with healthy sobriety.
- Did service work in the form of washing up, stacking chairs, guiding new members who gravitated toward me. Wouldnt class this as sponsoring because it didnt feel right to label it as such nor has it been discussed.
- Felt like I was through the worst of it... Felt suicidal at times and as though I didnt deserve the life I had. Really have felt so very low at times despite me working the program, saying the serenity prayer and searching for a higher power.

The list above is a little disjointed but I havent edited it as I feel that I just let my brain, thoughts and feelings pour out without censorship or edit.

The biggest problem I have in life? I still miss my former partner. A colossal amount. The best amends I can make to her are to leave her alone. I ponder if this is an excuse as I am afraid of her reaction should I reach out, but then I still have feelings.

I dont have a drinking problem anymore, I have a life problem.

The best thing about getting sober, getting my feelings back.

The worst thing about getting sober, getting my feelings back.

Thanks for reading and the very best to anyone early on. The very best to those not early on, I have heard enough in meetings to know that years of sobriety does not mean you do not have bad days. I know first hand this is true from years ago - barely remember though!

K