CupofJoe

Sweeti, it's AA. It's where hopeless alcoholics go. If you can't go to AA, where can you go? You're an alcoholic and you need help. I've been to AA meetings where people were sleeping it off in the back row. I've been to AA meetings myself still slightly drunk. If people have a problem with that, then so be it. They should be thankful they're sober. In my experience, people who are drunk are welcome, but asked to not share. Usually people will be happy to take them aside and talk one to one. (In my experience, of course. AA meetings can vary wildly depending on the location.)

I had a slightly different experience with "wanting to be sober more than I wanted to be drunk." My feelings on that subject varied enormously. I really wanted to drink and I really wanted to be sober. It was both at the same time. I hated drinking and I hated not drinking. I was utterly miserable, caught between two horrible places. I didn't want to keep drinking, but I also hated my life when I was between drinks. (I thought that the days between drinks was being sober; I was wrong. I had to have a complete mental/spiritual overhaul before I was truly sober. But don't worry about that right now. That will come eventually.)

It didn't matter what I thought. My addiction was in control of my mind. What matter was how I acted. My thoughts eventually came around. We can't think our way out of addiction and we can't magically wish ourselves to be sober. We have to actively pursue sobriety--no matter what our heads think.

Even if you know you're going to drink, try calling or texting someone. Try posting here. Try going to a meeting. You'd be surprised how small actions can add up. The way you act can change how you feel.

I'd recommend finding a person you can call/text/email/message every day. Get in the habit, then when you have those split second decisions, you might find you can call someone before drinking. It might feel like a split second, but it's more than likely been building up inside of you for a while. It's pay day, so more than likely your addiction was already planning the drink. Just a thought from my experience, because I did the same thing.

Doing the steps with a sponsor helped lift the mental obsession; I was someone who scoffed at the idea, but I got desperate enough to try it.

But there are plenty of ways to get sober. The one thing you have to do is stop drinking, though.

I had some people give up on me, so I know what it's like to feel hopeless.

But you're not. I just want you to know a lot of people, myself included, are hoping you'll come out of this.

Sending you a million good thoughts.