One of the strangest ideas that I used to entertain my thoughts of continued drinking while I was doing so in isolation and while struggling with severe depression was the desire for pancreatic cancer.
Pancreatic cancer has an extremely high mortality rate, so why would I want to receive such news? Was this my "normal" suicidal ideation? No, it was very specifically chosen by me.
If I received this essential death sentence, I felt that I would then be free to refuse treatment, to ask only for the comfort of pain relievers and to, I thought, strip away the idea that I needed to get better. I could self-medicate at my whim, and who could say otherwise to a dying man that I shouldn't do what I wanted. Then I would die, problems solved.
It's pretty aberrant thinking, isn't it?