As letsgetsorted said, I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink. Each time I binged, I suffered horrific depression and anxiety for a few days. This would eventually pass, I'd start to feel better and I'd be back to drinking with friends and foolishly thinking that I'd be able to moderate. I was unable to moderate. Well I could on some occasions, but not all.
I had to make the decision that my health and sobriety were MORE inportant than my desire to drink with friends. I stopped my pointless struggle to become the normal sensible drinker I was many years ago because I realized that version is gone and can't magically be restored.