Hi FutureYesterday,
Welcome
Well, the good thing is you are seeking help and admitting your own shortcomings and seem like you're ready to face the consequences of all that and get off the crazy train you jumped on!
I needed therapy, AlAnon, and reading lots of books to help me change into the person I want to be...it's not easy but sooooo worth it.
Have you ever tried therapy? I really needed that objective healthy observer and that safe space to be brutally honest with myself and learn some tools to reshape my life.
Glad you're here - stick around, collectively we have seen everything so be assured you're not alone.
Peace,
B.