"What am I doing?!?"
Saying gently...
You are denying and minimizing the hostile and insane
environment you & kids are living in to try and feel normal. Much
in the same an alcoholic denies their problem "I need it to sleep".
Taking for granted you & kids can tolerate this for years and
escape without damage is not logical thinking. Please take
Dandy's advice and safely begin to find resources for help.