Originally Posted by
August252015 
Hey Jimmy- just wondering how you are doing?
Christmas Day was going good until the evening when I was around some close friends I have not spent time with since I stopped drinking. Initially I felt strong going into the night with the mind set and determination I would not drink. Personally, I feel that is the only way to approach a social situation, there cannot be any doubt ahead of time or any planned thoughts of “what if” I drink. You need to be solid on your decision.
I was offered a beer, several times. I turned it down initially with self-resolve. However, later in the evening it became hard and I became depressed about it. Turning down a beer with my best buddy really sucked. I started to reevaluate my new found sobriety. So, I left. The safety net of coming home put my mind back at ease. The one contradiction to my whole self induced depressed thinking…I didn’t even really want to drink. I wanted to come home sober and read. I actually wanted time to myself. I just hated having that feeling of “I CAN’T drink”.
However, the next day I awoke angry and depressed. I reached out by posting here on SR and slowly started to remember all the personal negatives with alcohol and the reasons I walked away. But I asked myself questions. Does this get easier? Do I ditch all my old friends and become a sobriety monk? Am I a loner now lol?
Today marks the longest I’ve been sober in almost 3 years. I had a small stint in the beginning of 2016 as part of a NY’s resolution. Failed after I thought I could drink for just one particular weekend. I have a lot of self-hatred towards failed attempts. A strange thought occurred tonight while thinking about this; “if I could’ve just got it through my head I had a problem, I would’ve stayed sober”. Well damn, I believe that is called acceptance and exactly where I am today. How enlightening I can look back and coach my old self, yet cannot clear a direct path today? With clarity I can see in retrospect I should have stayed sober, but with blinders on I can tell myself its ok to drink again today. Strange indeed.
On with day 58…