Thank you for all of the replies, information and support. I feel I'm a lot stronger and wiser from a year ago, although nothing has really changed but me.
The "kids" are older - teen/young adult, so fortunately they have many years of good holidays to pull from when remembering this one. It also makes covering up any of this next to impossible which makes me sad for them.
AH has a space that is just his. However, now he feels he is isolated there, so he's throwing little tantrums about that. He chooses to isolate himself though. It was nice when his own area was enough.
We have a family friend that works at the executive level for the local women/children group. I am hesitant to open up this part of my life there , so I am searching for other options. Al-anon would be a good alternative if I could figure out a group close enough that I could discretely go. In many ways, al-anon would be worse, because he still refuses to admit he has a problem and gets really upset when I say anything that seems like I think it's an issue. He still says he just drinks to sleep, although unless he needs to sleep all day, that's a lie he's telling to himself. By upset I mean angry, tantrum, yelling, and a lot of passive-aggressive comments that go on for hours, sometimes days. It's amazing what he is actually able to remember sometimes when compared to the things he has no recollection of.
No matter which way I think about this, it comes back to the fact that I need to find a counselor, and that is just something that I frankly have not wanted to deal with. My own issue of not facing things I'm sure. However, his anger and paranoia are just increasing, so I know starting counseling will become a bigger issue the longer I wait.
If I really analyze myself it comes down to I'm not ready to give up what was supposed to be yet. It wasn't always this way. Realistically though at this point I don't see the current situation getting better. However, I am going to exhaust every possibility before I throw in the towel. Once the kids are on their own, which will be sooner rather than later, two things will happen - first, they won't be a part of my equation, but second, he won't have the motivation to keep things under control. So regardless of my unwillingness to make a decision right now, if nothing changes between now and then, I will need to be prepared to make a decision. This is a fact that I have no delusions about.
Thank you for helping me sort my thoughts, and offering your experience and opinions. It makes a difference.